If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk,
if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do,
you have to keep moving forward.
Martin Luther King Jr.
I recently had the pleasure and honor of being invited on the TCC Society. It is a podcast for women trying to conceive through In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). They focus on finding the joy, positivity, and hope while on this journey together.
I had a lovely conversation with the hostesses, Jasmine and Kat. We discuss my definition of trauma and tangible ways to address those experiences so that we can continue to hold space to support ourselves and others in our lives. I also include a visualization to help slow down and calm any anxieties. Listen into our conversation here! Although stress doesn’t cause infertility, infertility often causes stress. Multiple studies have found that infertility in both women and men often increases stress, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. When a round of fertility treatments proves to be unsuccessful or a couple suffers pregnancy lose, women and couples can experience deep feelings of grief and loss.
In fact, one study of 200 couples who visited a fertility clinic found that half of the women and 15% of the men said that infertility was the most traumatic experience of their lives. Men are much more involved in the process than in days of old. They also may feel the perinatal loss very deeply. Even if men don't experience the physical pain of that loss, the emotional pain they feel is very real. It’s time to make the mental health of you and your partner a priority and try these strategies… 1. Focus on the present. You can’t change the past, so stop reliving the “should haves” and “could have's.” You can’t control the future either, so stop pre-living worries and anxieties. Try to stay in the present, because it’s the only place you can really choose to behave in ways that can reduce stress and anxiety. 2. Practice self-care. That means treating yourself even half as well as you treat your family and friends. Get enough sleep, exercise, time alone, and time with others to make yourself feel cared for. Practice being your own best friend! 3. Talk to yourself. What we say to ourselves is powerful, so give yourself some encouragement and grace. If others remind you that there’s always a way to build a family, it usually has little or no effect. But if you remind yourself that there’s always a way, your mood can actually lift. 4. Talk to others. There are many reasons to be reluctant about discussing infertility with family, friends, or in the workplace. You may want to keep it private because you don’t want unsolicited advice, you don’t want to hear everyone else’s fertility stories, or because you feel there is a stigma attached to infertility. Support groups have been proven to help couples and individuals feel that they are in a community with others who understand what you're going through. Consider joining our infertility support group or start small with individual or couples therapy. Just reach out, I would love to support your journey! How can we “control” our thoughts? How can we use the power our minds and thoughts for good - to improve our mood and outlook on life? We know that how we interpret events and feelings impacts how we hold and experience our world, relationships, and circumstances. So are there any tips or tricks to shifting our thoughts from negative and demeaning into positive, productive and realistic thoughts that encourage and drive us rather than tear us down?
Over these last couple weeks I have found that this has been a hot topic among many of my clients. So I thought I would share these 5 steps to reframing negative, intrusive thoughts with you too! Step 1 Recognize when an intrusive thought is taking over. Become intentional about stopping the thought. Any thought that is causing you pain or slowing you down is most likely a negative, intrusive thought that needs to be addressed to improve your mental health. Step 2 Recognize that thoughts are just thoughts – they are not always true or omnipotent. You have the power to redirect and correct them when needed. Step 3 To reframe a negative thought pattern, focus on the big picture in your life. Replace the thought with more realistic, productive thoughts. Step 4 Setting goals is another way to do this. Focus on your strengths and move forward on those strengths. This positive thinking helps you let go of your mistakes and forgive your growth edges. Step 5 In order to forgive yourself, you need to realize you are only a human. Give yourself a break! Nobody is perfect. Remember to be flexible as you navigate life’s unknowns. Nothing about this process is easy. It takes time, focus and practice. When needed, ask a trusted friend or professional for help along the way. I promise, the work is well worth the effort to regain your clarity and power of mind! Please feel free to reach out to me if you think I can be of any assistance on your journey to empowerment and freedom from painful, intrusive thoughts. Holy moly! Isn’t that the whole goal of life – to be happy! How do we get there? What are the habits of the happiest people on Earth? Research has been doing some digging into happiness for the past few decades and here is what they have come up with.
The happiest people on Earth exercise these seven habits daily and it is proven to contribute to their well-being and success. Pick one and practice it this month. Just one at a time. Once you feel well adjusted to the new habit, move onto the next habit and practice only that one until it becomes a new part of you and so on… 1. Choose kindness. Research shows that when we watch others being kind, we feel a sense of “elation” that improves our mood and encourages us to mimic similar kind behavior. Kindness is contagious. 2. Practice forgiveness. Forgiving others does little for the sinner, but frees us up from our burden of anger. Forgiveness allows our energy to flow and lightens our perspective of the world. 3. Be naturally curious. Studies show that curious people have better relationships and enjoy socializing more than less curious people. So be open-minded and humble in your knowledge. 4. Express gratitude. Gratitude has been linked with lowering anxiety and depression, as well as improving sleep and resilience during difficult situations and trauma. 5. Be generous. The more we invest in other people, whether with time or money, we feel better connected and more fulfilled in our relationships. Thanks Christmas! 6. Exercise patience. Isn’t that interesting? Studies show that people who are patient make better progress toward their goals and feel more life satisfaction and gratitude (with all its above mentioned benefits) than less patient people. 7. Keep a gratitude journal. By practicing intentional gratitude daily, we train our minds to think positively. Science shows that this practice improves productivity, increases sales, and improves chances for promotions! Best wishes on your happiness journey my friends! If you are interested in reading more about the research and findings on each of these habits, read on! The article I referenced is at Inc.com 7 Habits of the Happiest People (That Most of Us Rarely Practice) by Marcel Schwantes. https://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/7-habits-of-happiest-people-that-most-of-us-rarely-practice.html This season of COVID-19 is expected to be one of the most trying times that this world will experience together in our lifetimes. Many of us, while in quarantine, have found a revitalized desire and need to grow our muscles of self-control and patience. Dr. Jonathan Bricker is an internationally recognized scientific leader in a bold approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT for short). It is a wonderful way to grow one’s perspective and practice of patience and self-control. I am excited to share a TED talk given by him on this very topic! Enjoy practicing your new skills! A simple step-by-step method to growing your patience muscles:
To learn more about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I recommend you check out this article from PsychologyToday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy. Also, if you are interested in professional guidance through this work, please feel free to reach out to me. I would love to support you through this powerful ACT journey! Research tells us that up to 300 million people are diagnosed with depression each year. That number only tallies the people who are diagnosed, not those who are also silently struggling! It is considered a worldwide epidemic, yet many do not comprehend the chaos is creates in the lives of so many.
What is depression? It is a characterized by five or more of the following experiences nearly every day for two weeks or more:
Some people experience these symptoms episodically, meaning repeatedly throughout their lives, while others only during one or two difficult times of their lives. Either way, there are so many ways that you can fight against the pain of depression. While medication is an option, it is not for everybody. Below you will find a couple resources on other, more natural methods for battling the depression in your life. Also please feel free to call or email me for therapy support! I would love to provide the professional, safe, and empowering support you need to get you through this! Coping with Depression https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm How to Fight Depression: 20 Things to Try https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/how-to-fight-depression Depression.org Self Help https://depression.org.nz/get-better/self-help/ Understanding Depression https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml Yet another year is upon us folks!! I wish you all goodness, love and joy for you and your families in this year. It is always during this time of year that we step back and evaluate our progress – where did we come from, where are we going, and how far along our path have we gone? Is this still the right path for me or my family? How can I do better?
As you ponder, I want to offer you some tips on how make create goals that are encouraging and real for you. I call them SMART goals. These are goals that have small, measurable and attainable steps that will motivate you to keep going and keep working for the betterment of you and your family!! S - Specific Create goals that are specific. Away with the lofty days of old, with grand, but vague “I want to make an impact on my world” statements. HOW? In what ways are you specifically gifted? Think of your niche in the world and what cause is most important to you. Create a specific goal that is tailored to your personality and gifts, as well as impacts the parts of the world that are most important to you. M - Measurable Now you have a dream! Congrats! Now create a list all of the steps needed before you can attain your dream. Again be super specific here, so that you have clear tasks to complete. There is no feeling in the world like the accomplished pride you feel when you cross off the small, measurable tasks on your to-do list! A - Achievable While you are creating that list of steps, break down each step into small, achievable tasks. For example, if you want to start a new career, what steps are needed to get there? Maybe some education? Then the next step might look like graduate school. The new goal becomes graduate school by next fall. So then you need to create my list of tasks to do before you can begin graduate school, such as research local school programs, find application deadlines, and ask for letters of recommendation. R - Realistic The idea here is to work from my big dreams down to creating achievable, realistic small tasks for me to be able to reach that dream. When you create realistic small goals and tasks, you can see the pathway to your long-term dreams. This practice makes it a real and exciting journey, rather than a daunting or unattainable pipe dream. T - Time-limited Now go grab your calendar! Move those small measurable, attainable tasks onto your timeline so that these short term tasks will add up to your completed dreams! Best wishes for your new year! The holiday season is upon us once again! A time of family, memories, and love. It is important to think about how we can best share our love with others, especially during this busy season.
Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell are known for their work in understanding humans’ love languages. They say that humans express and receive love in five different ways. We all have our top three preferences; sometimes how we express love most naturally is different than how we prefer to receive love. The trick to nurturing deep relationships is to know your loved one’s preferential love language so that you can match your expression to their preferred experiences. Likewise, if you know your own preferred love language, you can inform those who love you so they can express their love to you in the best way. So let’s break this down and study how we can express and receive love with others. Below I have included those five love languages as well as examples of what they look like. I encourage everyone to study them, decide what your preferred love languages are and ask your loved ones about theirs. Once you know their preferences, your actions and words can be best tailored to target their heart! 1. Sacrificial. For this person, actions speak louder than words. The ancient Egyptians had a saying, “Show me your deeds, and I will know your heart” (https://egypt.mrdonn.org/weighingheart.html). 2. Words of Affirmation. Some prefer actions, but this person prefers words. Kind words of encouragement and praise. Expressing declarations of love or sharing vulnerability are ways of sharing love through words. 3. Physical Touch. Expressing love through touch and affection, whether that be snuggling on the couch, random kisses, hugs, massage or even a light arm rub. 4. Gift Giving. Some love to give, while others prefer to receive. 5. Quality Time. You don’t always have to spend time creating elaborate plans for expensive days out - even quiet movie nights on the couch, doing nothing but spending time together is a sure fire way to speak to this heart. If you are interested in learning more, check out the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. Why do parents need to bond with their children? Why do partners need time to reconnect? Why all the extra effort? Why can’t love just be enough (I tip my hat to just about every long song out there)?!
Study after study confirm that bonding is an essential human instinct and basic biological function that gives humans a sense of security and self-esteem. Bonding helps parents feel connected to the newest family members and children to their parents and peers. Bonding promotes marriage security. It promotes a sense of belonging and purpose within one’s community. Without constant reassurance of one’s place in our changing world, humans quickly lose their internal sense of how they fit into it. We know how we fit based on who we fit with. Here are five simple ways to promote bonding and emotional connection with your loved ones.
During my last post, I spoke about the raw power in the emotion of anger. Anger can be both hurtful and aggressive, but also incredibly protective and motivating. Consider a woman who has been assaulted. She experiences deep feelings sadness, anxiety and anger. But this woman is able to sort through her feelings, labeling each emotion and understanding their source and meaning. Once she understands her anger, she is able to transform its raw energy to a refined, targeted power source. She harnesses the strength it gives her. This woman turns around and uses this energy to form a non-profit agency that educates women on self-defense techniques and assertive communication training, in the aim of protecting other women from assault. Another prime example are the women of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). These women processed their separate emotions and used the energy of their anger to work to campaign against the atrocities of driving while intoxicated. Once we understand the source and triggers of our anger, it can be such a formidable force. If that force is properly harnessed, the energy of anger can create great positive change for ourselves, others, and society at large. Today I want to spend some time thinking through five ways that anger can be expressed in a healthy and constructive manner. 1. Anger should be properly directed outward toward the perpetrator rather than inward toward the self. The verbalized concerns must be actual, immediate and specific harms and transgressions, rather than consequences to a second or third degree. 2. When anger is differentiated from our other emotions, such as sadness, fear or guilt, it allows the person to fully and honestly access its motivational power. 3. Using assertive communication to express your experience, rather than using passive, aggressive or indirect language and behaviors. An example may be using “I statements,” as well as being careful not to insult, attack, or complain about the other. Using negative communication never sends an edifying message, but tends to express disrespect and usually further alienates the two parties. 4. Gauging and controlling the intensity of response to properly match the situation. Express the proper level of anger that will send a clear message of assertion. Examples of inappropriate anger intensity include rage that is overwhelming or disimpassioned anger that lacks conviction or energy. 5. Continue to search for the meaning of the anger. Consider the emotion as a signal that something deeper is going on – dig in, explore it, know it, and use it to change your world! Below you will find a video that portrays how a person (or cartoon owl in this case) can harness the power of his anger (with the help of a loved one) to protect himself and his friend. Anger is such a powerful and raw emotion. According to psychologist Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence, he describes anger causes blood to flow to our extremities, making it easier for humans to strike out and run. Our heart rate speeds up and we experience a rush of hormones that create a surge of energy strong enough to jump into fight and protect mode. Anger is the human’s natural protective impulse.
According to Paul Ekman’s research, anger is one of the six “basic emotions” identified in the Atlas of Emotions along with disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, surprise. Anger is felt by everyone at one point or another and it’s completely valid as its own emotion. However, there are times when other emotions are spurring the anger. Anger is both a primary, basic emotion, as well as a secondary emotions that we use to protect the hurtful, raw primary feelings beneath it. For example, Richard believed he had an anger problem. When his wife makes a request of him, he immediately criticizes her. He does not like his reaction, but he can’t seem to help it. As he worked on investigating the source of his anger, he began to notice there was “a space between” his anger and his actions. He came to the profound realization that underneath his anger was pure exhaustion and a feeling that he wasn’t good enough for his wife. So his anger was formed to protect him from disappointment with himself, as well as protect him from the deeply painful shame and fear that he was not acting as the best husband and man he could be. Richard didn’t have an anger problem, per say. Rather, he felt that his wife was placing impossibly high demands on him. By seeking to understand and accept his anger, rather than fix or suppress it, he began to improve his marriage by recognizing his anger as a signal for a need—a need to set healthy boundaries for what he could and could not do. Learning to recognize anger as not only a basic, valid emotion, but also as a protector of our raw feelings, can be incredibly powerful. It can lead to healing conversations that allow couples, as well as children and parents, to understand each other better. Below is what Gottman calls the Anger Iceberg. It shows other emotions and feelings that may lurk below the surface of anger. Sometimes it’s embarrassment, loneliness, depression, or fear. Other times, it’s a combination of several feelings. The bottom line is that there is always motivating factor beneath anger. While this feeling is a valid emotion on its own, remember that anger can also indicate other emotions that need to be addressed or validated. Happy soul searching! This article is a summarized re-post of The Anger Iceberg from the Gottman Institute blog - https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/. That’s how the old adage goes – “To Know Thyself, Thy Must Know Where Thy Come From.” No matter which theory of psychology you adhere to, every one shares this common truth - history matters. We may or may not chose to focus on it, think or talk about it, but the reality is that history shapes and informs who we are and how we make our decisions today. Even if your goal is to be exact opposite of your upbringing, you have been impacted because of that history and resistance.
An effective way to learn more about yourself, is by “interviewing”, if you will, your family members about your family history. Ask about what was important to their parents, their grandparents, great grandparents, and great-great grandparents – and why. What were their values and how did they change or impact the next generation? What were their relationships like and why? Ask about family history of sadness, worry, substance use or illness. Are there any patterns you can trace? How do those patterns impact you and how you live your life today? With your newfound family history, consider creating a family genogram. A family genogram is a pictorial representation that highlights not only lineage, or family tree, but also helps us envision the relationship patterns, medical history, and values that have been carried down through the generations. They help us organize a wealth of information in a visual generational flow chart. In therapy, I use genograms to help quickly identify and understand various patterns in the client’s family history which may have an influence on the client’s current state of relationship, thinking, and general world understand. Create your own family genogram! Www.genopro.com/genogram/ offers free online software that makes the process even more easy and fun! Find those family members with the most history and stories to tell and buy them a coffee. Enjoy your search! The Cambridge Dictionary defines the word commitment as “a promise to give yourself, your money, your time, etc., to support or buy something.” We often make long standing promises to ourselves and to others, without fully understanding the fullest consequences of these promises. But how can we do that? How can we make such grand promises without any guarantees? We all know that life throws curve balls and no one can predict with full certainty anything in this world.
The reality of our world is that humans have to jump into commitments and promises without truly knowing that there will be a net there to catch us if things go badly. But without such commitments, we are at a standstill in life – there is no forward movement without risk. You name anything worth doing and it has risk – marriage, moving, new school, new business ventures, job hunts, etc – it is all exciting forward movement, but all require a jump into the unknown! Yikes! How do humans successfully navigate the uncertainty? Research in the field of psychology and religion reveals that spirituality and faith have been shown to be effective protective factors against the impact of life events on our overall well-being. Humans who are able to connect to their spiritual self, who can find meaning in hope and a faith beyond themselves, experience not only stronger mental health and resilience to trauma, but also greater outcome to physical ailments. Other studies have found that quantified levels of peace found in hope, faith and spirituality can mediate the trauma and complexity of life’s surprises. In other words, faith and hope are our strongest allies in this world of fear, doubt, and uncertainty. We have to rely on a moniker of faith when we make commitments into an unknown future. It is in this hope, spiritual well-being and faith that humans are able to gain perspective and connect to uncertainty with flexibility and creativity. Hope makes it possible for humans to operate beyond the today and jump into uncertainty needed to move into tomorrow. So the next questions becomes, how do I connect with my spiritual self? While every human is unique and every faith system encourages different avenues of connecting to their spirit, here are some general tried and true ways of expanding ourselves...
While humanity shares so many stories passed on through the generations of the importance of our spirituality, I find it fascinating to see how today's research has been able to sharpen its skill in quantifying and measuring this amazing realm of self. As you move forward in your life, I hope you are able to connect to your faith, hope and spirit to make the most out of what life has to offer! You can find more information on spiritual well-being at these resources:
Tonight I sit in a hallway, waiting for my daughter to finish her ballet lesson. I am always struck with awe as I watch and listen to the beauty of the creativity and art that is being created in that ballet studio. Not only is it beautiful, but it is strong, confident and knows itself. The art is transformative, not only to its audience, but also to its participants. You can’t but notice the smiles, energy, and strength the children pour into their artwork. This artistic strength draws my attention to my clients. Those suffering with self-doubt, fear, sadness and worry. Studies show that engagement with arts, creativity, and imagination help combat negative symptoms of anxiety, fatigue and depression. It helps remind us of our truths, our strengths, and our beauty. Artistic expression is a powerful tool in healing. Try it today.
The key is to enjoy the experience, never judging the quality of the work. The value lies in the meaningfulness and depth of the process. Be free to express yourself in any imaginative manner, allowing yourself some time without criticism to begin to re-acquaint you with your true strength and beauty once again. We all get into a funk sometimes. Stuck in a bad mood with a bad attitude. It frustrates us just as much as it frustrates our loved ones. The worst part is that the negativity is dangerously contagious. But is there anything we can do to stop the disease from spreading? Is there a cure for the illness of negativity?
Here are four ways we can wash our hands from a bad attitude bug and get back to enjoying life and loves ones.
If you would like to read more about combating negativity in relationships, consider reading Relationship Woes: How to Turn a Negative Attitude Around by Symbis Pre-Marital Assessment at https://www.symbis.com/blog/relationship-woes-how-to-turn-a-negative-attitude-around/. Also if you are interested in pre-marital therapy, I am a certified Symbis Assessment provider. I would love to meet you, assess your relationship’s strengths and growing edges, and help your relationship launch into a successful lifelong love! Parenting is arguably the most meaningful, impactful, and difficult thing humans do in their lifetime. While the process is immensely rewarding, it is also so overwhelming and exhausting. Remember those luxurious days of old - sleeping in, enjoying peaceful showers, having control over the remote control. While parenting is the singularly most impactful experience in all humans’ lives, we walk into it with absolutely no formal training, reading, or practice. No concrete list of right and wrong, besides the most obvious and lowest standards set by law; do not sexually, verbally, or physically abuse, do not neglect, and do not kill them.
With this venture of parenting, mothers and fathers often find themselves needing to focus so much time and energy on decision making and home management, that we cut out lots of “distractions” to complete our tasks. While this cutting down brings time back to daily life, it also brings its challenges. One of the biggest hurdles of parenting is the loneliness that comes along. While we cut back “adult time” in order to find balance in our day to day, we actually increase our sense of exhaustion and overwhelm by isolating ourselves. Too often adults seek to enrich the lives of their children with extracurricular activities, sports, and family outings, but forget to also continue to enrich their own lives. We miss out on girl/guy nights, date nights, and our workout regime of the past. We might increase our pillow time, but deprive ourselves of meaningfully connecting with others. True revitalizing of our hearts and minds comes by supporting each other through our trying parenting ventures. In an attempt to better your children’s, and your, life I challenge you to attack your isolation today. Reach out to a friend, if even by phone. Grab a coffee or dessert, enjoy a concert, or night out with your partner. By increasing and improving your support system, you not only enrich yourself, but also your parenting journey, which directly improves your children’s quality of life. You can learn more about the burdens of loneliness on parents in this insightful TEDx talk by Dr. Sheryl Zeigler. https://youtu.be/MwvctN3Uejg With every October, comes America’s renewed desire to “face our fears.” We celebrate those bold enough to enter the hunted house, those ready to jump into the Polar Cold ocean, those brave enough to leave the abuser or jump into a new job challenge. But how do they do that? What does it take to face our fears, tackle new challenges, and walk away from the predictable in hopes for a brighter future?
What decades of research shows us there are two possible methods of facing our fears. We can either rip off the bandage or slowly peel it off. Systemically and slowly exposing ourselves to our fears is the most common therapeutic and self-help approach. By planning our step by step mini-exposures, we can train ourselves to regulate our anxiety before we face our true and deepest fear. This slow, paced method is effective. It enables us to learn new coping tools and test our true abilities in a planned and careful manner. Ripping off the bandage requires us to rely on our authentic, healthy self to succeed. It requires us to know our ability to manage challenges as they come; know that we are capable enough and well-supported enough in take on life’s challenges. If you are considering taking a leap or only dipping your toes in the water, first sit down and write out your goals, your strengths and your supports. With this list in hand, you will stay anchored in the reminder of your strengths, the people you can rely on if the task is too much for you, and the motivator behind your courage. Spring is upon us! It is time to dust those shelves, clear the winter clutter and open our windows for spring’s fresh air and life to fill our homes. As we prepare our homes for this new season of excitement, growth, and life, how can we also prepare our hearts and minds for this new season?
The up and coming field of positive psychology tells us that optimism is one of the key elements to the emotion of hope, pleasure, humor, excitement, joy, pride and happiness. The founder of positive psychology, Dr. Martin Seligman’s research proves that optimists get sick less often and recover from illness more quickly than others. Optimists often live longer and live lives with better physical and mental health. But how does one make that shift from pessimism to optimism? Dr. Seligman says there are two important dimensions to optimism - permanence and pervasiveness. Pessimistic people believe that bad happenings are permanent, whereas optimistic people consider them temporary. For example, a pessimist might say to their partner “You always nag”, when an optimistic person would say “You nag when I don’t do my chore”. Using qualifiers for bad events such as “sometimes” and “lately”, rather than “always” or “never” builds optimism. Pervasiveness has to do with perspective. For pessimists, when one crop of life is spoiled, the whole garden is destroyed. Rather, than catastrophizing, optimists understand that there is a specific explanation for this one bad event. For example, saying “I’m having trouble learning in this math class” rather than “I’m no good at math”. To learn more about how to clear out your winter blues and move into springtime clarity continue reading this great article by Jane Collingwood called Capture that Springtime Optimism! at Psychcentral.com. https://psychcentral.com/lib/capture-that-springtime-optimism/. With a good college experience, students are often exposed to new world views, faiths, cultures, and thoughts. As such, many college students come home with changed perspectives, politics, ideals, relationships, interests and values. A student’s return home for the holidays often brings the excitement and elation of returning home, as well as challenges and worry over making home feel like home again – for both the parents and the students.
Some of the conflicts that arise stem from aspects of change within the student and the family unit. Are these some of the feelings and thoughts you struggle with when you think about going home for the holidays? 1) "You don't know me; I’m not the same person I was before.” 2) "What happened to my room? Oh, well, whatever, leave me alone, I want to spend the whole weekend seeing my friends anyway." 3) "Stop asking me so many questions!" 4) "I hate college. I want to transfer/drop out." 5) "I am not respected in my own home!" 6) “I can’t wait to get out of here and go back to college.” These struggles are common as they highlight how family norms may feel threatened. Families need to develop new ways to communicate shifting family dynamics so that all parties can feel heard, respected and understood during these crucial times. To learn more about how to handle these adjustments better when college students return home continue reading this great article by Cohan, D.J. called Home for the Holiday: What to expect when college kids come home for break at Psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/social-lights/201611/home-the-holidays. Welcome to Part 2 of the Attachment and Bonding Series! Last time we discussed the different types of attachment that typically occur, why they happen and some ways they manifest themselves in one’s daily adult life. To quickly review, these are Ainsworth’s three attachment types: secure attachment, insecure avoidant, and insecure ambivalence. Now, if an adult has formed an insecure attachment to a parent, it is very likely that that attachment style will become their pattern for all their future relationships. This can be a scary thought.
It is so easy for parents to “mess up” – to get so overwhelmed with life, but their kids will suffer the consequences. And those kids will grow into adults. But God has planned for us grace and forgiveness! Humans are designed to heal in all our nature - spiritually, emotionally and physically. Recent studies in attachment show that childhood attachment patterns can be repaired. The damage of childhood relationships can be healed, even for adults struggling with those learned patterns. Below I have compiled a list of different ways to communicate and interact with our loved ones that can foster healing, growth and trust. These methods have been proven to be quite beneficial in healing broken attachment patterns and helping adults create more healthy relationship. At times, professional therapy may be needed to help people sort through their harmful history. With counseling - in addition to the loving support of family and friends using the techniques listed below - a person can be given a strong chance to change their lives, forever. 1. Model Forgiveness. Humans need repair and forgiveness to be modeled to us. Christ already provided us the best example of this through the Cross. But we often need other modeling from people around us. This reconciliation and repair process can heal insecure attachment patterns. 2. Eye Contact. Sharing loving, smiling, kind attachment gazes – even just across the room at a party or when your person knows you are lovingly watching them – but because you love them. 3. Playfulness. We often forget that adults need to relax and have fun too! Especially these adults with insecure attachment, they often did not experience enough healthy, safe play when they were young. You might be surprised at how safe, loving, and innocent play can really foster healing and reparative moments. For kids that can look like sports, picnics, or jokes. For adults that can look like mini-vacations, sports, or date nights. 4. Observe and Empathize. Some of our loved ones are more open to talking and sharing than others. Either way, we have to remain constantly open to listening or learning about them, whether they communicate verbally or non-verbally. Watch for signs of distress, such as sweating, shaking, anger outbursts, fear, avoidance, sadness… The key here is to take that knowledge, and express your care and understanding. Empathy means that you do not have to agree or feel their feelings, but that you can understand where they are coming from and care and love them no matter what. 5. Awareness. Just as we spoke about the importance of awareness of one’s behaviors and interpretations in Part 1 – it is again vital for us as supporters to be aware that our loved one’s reactions are not our fault. Sometimes their behaviors and words are not even really aimed at us, but at their past. We need to be patient in gently helping them realize that their behaviors, feelings and thoughts are being triggered by their past, but that they now have safe relationships. 6. Pacing. With this growing awareness of how your loved one’s personal pains are triggers, you need to help them pace themselves. Be mindful of the settings that create the most anxiety for him/her, learn what you can do to best support them in those settings and work as a team to help them navigate it in an emotionally, physically, and spiritually safe manner. 7. Relax. Just as playing together is healing, so is relaxing together. These adults often have not been taught how to manage their emotions in healthy ways. It can be so helpful for loved ones to model coping tools such as reading good books, getting a massage, deep breathing, bubble baths, coloring or painting. There are hundreds of different relaxation exercises – anything that gives you relief from a stressful day. It can be as simple of drinking your favorite strawberry smoothie or imaging you are at your favorite beach on a warm summer day! Find what works for you, what works for your loved one, and engage those as often as possible. By doing so, you are teaching them how to relax; effectively, giving them tools to better manage their difficult emotions. For more help in understanding attachment, how it impacts of lives, and help foster healing in unhealthy attachment styles, you can look into the resources below as well as connect with a mental health professional. ATTACHMENT REPAIR RESOURCES
Back in 1970, a psychologist named Mary Ainsworth wanted to study how infants attach to their mothers. This attachment idea is one that goes back to the beginning of psychology with Sigmund Freud. It describes the importance of infant to caregiver bonding. Attachment templates happen when we are babies. Yet, they are vital to understand adults as they become the model for which we operate in all relationship for the rest of our lives. They quietly run our lives without us knowing it as adults! It is so important for us to understand what our attachment patterns are and how they impact us, so we can make healthier life and relationship choices as adults.
Dr. Ainsworth conducted a “Strange Situation” study whereby she evaluated how infants reacted to being with a stranger once their mother left the room and how the infant acted once mom returned. Let me explain the experiment - over the course of three minutes, this scene played out. Mom and baby sit in a room with toys. Less than a minute passes and a stranger joins the two in the room. After some time, mother leaves the room, leaving stranger alone with baby. Then, mom returns and stranger leaves. Soon after mom leaves again, leaving baby alone. Again, the stranger returns, followed by mom. Throughout the three minute experiment, the experimenters are evaluating how the baby reacts to people’s comings and goings. Out of these evaluations, Ainsworth deciphers three attachment types: secure attachment, insecure avoidant, and insecure ambivalence. Secure attachment looks like this. These children are confident in their caregiver. They know they are a safe base, so they can explore their world without fear of harm. They know that in times of distress or danger, parents will be available to meet their needs and keep them safe. Securely attached children are easily comforted by parent. Infants develop a secure attachment when the caregiver is sensitive to their signals, and responds appropriately to their needs at least 50% of the time. (Yes, it only takes 50% match rate – thank you Lord for Your grace!) Unfortunately, not all families are able to provide such attunement. Some family difficulties, such as adult illness, drug use, neglectful parenting, etc, can create a gap in meeting the infant’s basic needs, which leads to two different insecure attachment types. Avoidant attachment looks like this. These children operate very independently, both physically and emotionally, from their caregiver. They do not seek contact with their parent when distressed, nor look to them for safety while they explore their world. They know their parent is unavailable so they learn to live without them. It is believed this occurs because the caregiver is unattuned and rejecting of child’s needs. The parent, for whatever reason, does not help during difficult times and is usually unavailable during child’s moments of distress. The second insecure attachment is called Ambivalent. Ambivalent attachment looks like this. The child will commonly be clingy and asking for parent, but once the parent responds, rejects them. They find it very difficult to be comforted by their loved one, because they have failed to securely attach and trust them. Accordingly, they have a hard time exploring new environments, being comforted or learning how to self-soothe. It is believed that this behavior results from an inconsistent level of parent response to their needs – sometimes adult is there, sometimes not – so the child learns that help cannot be trusted nor is it dependable. Obviously, as parents and humans, we all wish and hope that people can securely attach to their caregiver. This bonding is so critical because the human adult’s sense of safety, identity, and how they make relationship choices comes from that infant attachment. Studies have shown that those that have secure attachments in their lives have more fulfilling and secure relationships, a greater sense of self and better general mental health. But unfortunately, about 25-30% of infants do not have the blessing of secure attachment bases. So what happens to them? They grow into adults. These adults tend to have more difficulty keeping trusting relationships, they tend to find it difficult to self-regulate their emotions, and they tend to have a less stable sense of self. Thankfully, more recent studies show that this damage can be repaired in adulthood! New adult, good relationships can substitute the hurtful, unavailable past ones. If you have a spouse, friend or loved one who is hurting today from insecure attachment as a child, please stay tuned. I will explain more ways that insecure infant attachment can be redeemed in adults in the Part 2 (Repair) of this Attachment and Bonding Series… ATTACHMENT STUDY RESOURCES 1- Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love (1998). By Robert Karen. 2- http://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth |
AuthorHi! I'm Dr. Linda Abdelsayed. These are just some articles I've created on various life topics. Hope you find them helpful! Check out more about me on the About and Contact tabs above! CategoriesArchives
December 2021
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