If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk,
if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do,
you have to keep moving forward.
Martin Luther King Jr.
Every parent’s question…
“How do I get them to do what I want?” “Why don’t they just listen?” We all ask it. Multiple times a day. We have tried everything. Bribing them. Yelling at them. Punishing them. Being overly indulgent. Begging them. Well, I would like to propose something new. If you want your child to listen to you, first try to listen to them. Our children, young and old, primarily learn by example. How are our children expected to learn to respect, honor, and listen to our words and feelings, if we do not model such behaviors toward their words and feelings? If we don’t model such behaviors toward our parents, how are they to learn that parents are to be honored? The first step in gaining your child’s respect for your words is respecting theirs. This is done through active listening. Actually listen. When you approach your child’s complaints with your own feelings of defense and guardedness, you cannot hear their words. What are we afraid of? Listening to them does not mean we lose power or status in front of our kids. The opposite is true! When we give our kids loving eye contact, lower our posture to meet their height, pay full attention to their story, PUT OUR PHONES DOWN, express empathy and compassion, then they will feel heard. They can in turn listen to us without defensiveness or anger. They now have emotional space to listen to us because we have listened to them. We will have modeled how we expect our conversations to run. 1 Timothy 4:12 “but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity”. After you have showed them with your body that you have listened through eye contact, lowered body posture and full attention, the second step is to prove you are listening by summarizing their words and feelings. “Ok Micheal, I hear you want more TV time before dinner.” Summarizing their words proves to them you understand. You heard them. “I know it feels hard to stop watching a show in the middle of the story.” Now they can feel respected and ready. Now they are ready to listen. “Ok Micheal, I hear you want more TV time before dinner. But dinner is nice and hot right now. It won’t taste as good once it gets cold after your show. It’s a better idea to come eat now and if there is still time, you can finish your show before bath time.” “And the Lord listened to the voice of Israel …” Number 21:3. “But the Lord listened to me at that time also.” Deuteronomy 9:19. Active, attentive listening is a gift from our Father! It is a lot of work, but it will work! With time and practice, your entire family will learn that their home is a place that is safe; where they can speak and be heard and be respected in a God honoring home of mutual respect. MORE PARENT RESOURCES ON LISTENING www.livesinthebalance.org www.thinkkids.org
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All humans are influenced by their interactions with significant others throughout their lives. One’s social context helps people understand, organize, and define themselves and their situations. Thus it is common and natural that the loss of a significant other brings a great loss of one’s own identity and reality.
The loss of a person who has been so important in defining one’s self and environment leads a person to grief. The absence of this relationship forces people to search for alternative guides to help them understand this situation and themselves. They often feel lost in their basic ability to interpret and define events, feelings, and meanings for their new life experiences without their loved ones. Thus, grief grows from emotional pain to an uncertainty about one's self, future, and purpose. All this plus the need for the bereaved to create a new meaning to life and death can be extremely overwhelming. Safe and loving support from friend and family is crucial to get through these changes in a healthy way. Four Tasks of Mourning These four basic tasks, or challenges, must be successfully completed for a person to move on to a healthy life after the death of a loved one. Just as a child must successfully pass through each phase of development to grow into a healthy adult, a mourner must pass through each of these tasks to reestablish healthy functioning. The four tasks include accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain, adapting to a new environment, and reinvesting one’s emotional energy. This timeline gives the family a better understanding of the process of grief and healing– allowing for the space and knowledge of how to help their mourners come back to reality without their lost beloved. First Task of Mourning: Accept the Reality of Loss The first task of mourning is accepting the death and the loss. It is not easy for anyone to help mourners through this task. However, there are several ways for family members and friends to know that the bereaved is moving towards through this challenge, such as subtle shifts in speech and needs. For example, a mourner becomes able to speak about the deceased less in the present tense and more in the past tense with time and acceptance. This may also include the family’s ability to incorporate the deceased into conversations less painfully. One helpful way to measure progress is the way deceased's possessions are used. It is not uncommon for people to use their loved one’s possessions as transitional objects through this difficult time. Immediately after a loss, the grieving may hold closely onto a possession of the deceased. He/she will always carry that object and is greatly distressed if it is misplaced. As the grief passes, the bereaved person is able to separate from the object only if he/she knows where it is and how to access it easily. With time, the object is finally able to be put away in a treasured place for safekeeping. It is important to understand that the acceptance of death is a process - not an end point. The bereaved will forever experience their pain to some degree throughout his/her lifetime. But the task of this phase is for the system to simply accept the fact of loss and not deny the impact it will have on one’s life. It is also important to note that our Orthodox faith dictates that physical death is not necessarily permanent loss – rather it is a temporary pause in relationship until we meet each other again in Paradise with the Lord. The deceased is not dead, but fully alive with the Lord. Second Task of Mourning: Walk through the Pain of Grief The second, and most difficult, task of mourning is to allow oneself to experience the emotions, whatever they might be – sadness, abandonment, anger, confusion. Surprisingly, it is usually at around this time that society expects the bereaved to have completed and “gotten over” the pain. Friends and support systems begin to pull away and return to their “normal” lives and expect the grievers to follow. But to the contrary, this is usually the most intensely emotional phase in the grief process. When others begin to pull away, it leaves the griever feeling even more alone than ever! The bereaved are often cautioned not to talk about the deceased anymore, even though this is the most important time to do so. They will hear things like, “You should stop taking about him, it only makes you feel worse.” But that is not the case, by talking about the loss, the mourner gets to release his/her emotions and begin to heal. When the mourner is forced to stay quiet, it makes them feel as if their painful emotions are inappropriate, “abnormal”, “out of control”, and that they can never belong in this world again. Furthermore, family functioning is greatly impacted during this time, as grief hinders the family members’ ability to perform their duties, day-to-day roles and activities. This problem is dealt with during the next task of mourning. Third Task of Mourning: Adjust to an Environment where the Deceased is Missing Adapting to a new environment without the deceased is the third task of bereavement. By now, one’s system has had time to allow the shock to subside. They are beginning to settle down and live with the loss. With time comes the realization that the death has brought many unwanted changes in the functioning of the family, and the pain is highlighted everyday when the practical, everyday routines are no longer routine without the deceased. For example, if a wife is used to having to husband drive her to the market every Tuesday and leave the light on in the kitchen for when they return home – the Tuesdays without her husband will feel especially difficult when she finds she has to shop alone and come home to a dark house. The adaptation process requires individuals, and the family as a whole, to shift and create new patterns. The family must be flexible in order to cope with the disorganization and grief. They must be willing to shift relationship boundaries and delegate new family roles and responsibilities. Fourth Task of Mourning: Emotionally Relocate the Deceased and Move on with Life The final task of mourning is to reinvestment the emotional energy into new relationships with the living. In other words, individuals must strive to give less energy to the pain of their loss and reserve their efforts and heart for re-creating their previous, close relationships. This is not to say that the bereaved has completely abandoned the deceased from their everyday experience, but is now able to focus on living in the other areas of their lives – keeping space and respect for the deceased, while making room in one’s heart for new or rekindled relationships and growth. Be aware that with this growing happiness, sometimes comes difficult feelings of disloyalty, guilt, or fear as they begin to care for others again. It is important to remember to hand over to the Lord all our hardships and burdens, in order to allow space for Him to shine His light and warmth into our souls. To remember that the deep seated pain of this will pass, for as is written in Lamentations 3:32 “Though He causes grief, Yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies”. Conclusion Death and loss are faced at one time or another by all people. Bereavement centers around individual pain, however, grief occurs within social relationship. Unfortunately, people who are mourning usually lack the focus, energy, or flexibility to deal easily with others. Due to this stress of grief, one’s availability to others declines – often making it difficult for family and friends to support one another. Besides grief’s pain, the disorganization it causes, and the tendency it has to make people less available to support one another, is the problem of forming new rules, patterns, and purpose for life. However studies show that the single best indicator of distress one month after a loss is lack of interaction with close friends. Therefore, providing appropriate social support and understanding the four tasks of mourning are the most effective ways of decreasing the distress of bereavement. SOME RESOURCES ON GRIEF
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AuthorHi! I'm Dr. Linda Abdelsayed. These are just some articles I've created on various life topics. Hope you find them helpful! Check out more about me on the About and Contact tabs above!
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April 2024
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